'What if it's not just a phase?': Modern Mom Learns How To Navigate Puzzling Pronouns With Wholesome Advice From The Internet

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Blake Seidel • Managing Editor & Brand Manager
Mar 27, 2024 3:00 PM EDT

Hey Cheezecakers, we know that there are a lot of problems to tackle in this modern world. Dating through the phone, raising children with access to the internet all the time, and trying to succeed in a man's world are just a few of them. But for mothers, you're also dealing with raising a tiny human being with no training manual! You try your best, for sure, but you're going to make mistakes, and you're going to be unsure of things. However, this is where the internet comes in handy - whenever you have a question, you can find an answer from people who went through similar experiences.

The modern mom in this post has a 3rd-grade child who has been adamant the last couple of months about changing their pronouns and shopping in the 'girl's section'. The mother is concerned that her child may be transgender, but she is questioning how to deal with this topic, so she turned to the internet and the internet came to her aid. Scroll down to see all the wholesome advice she received because even if it's not relevant to you right now, it might be in the future.

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  • 01
    3rd Grader asked to change pronouns
    via u/Unhappy_Tap1653
  • 02
    Please bear with me, this may be a little long, but I can really use some support and advice: My child is 8 and has been vocal about their gender identity for the last couple months. Recently, they asked to use they/them or she/her pronouns and only wants to wear clothes from the "girl's section" of whatever store we are in.
    via u/Unhappy_Tap1653
  • 03
    I made it a goal when I had kids that my children would never need to "come out of the closet" because I would do whatever I could to make sure they never felt they had to be in it to begin with. I taught both my children that there are no gendered toys, clothes or colors, just things we each enjoy or don't enjoy. We talked about diverse families and that love is love. On top of that, in our family we have members who identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual and one who is fully transitioning. We've d
    via u/Unhappy_Tap1653
  • 04
    Now I am struggling with how to support my child while still coming to terms with their gender identity. I'm not mad, sad, or in anyway disappointed. I'm, in fact, feeling proud that they feel safe and secure enough to explore their identity without fear of being unloved or not accepted by our family. My worries are these (and please forgive me if I express a worry in a way that feels unsupportive, I am trying): 1) I worry about our family not supporting them fully and how to educate them, espec
    via u/Unhappy_Tap1653
  • 05
    2) that it is "just a phase" and that they will be subject to ridicule and bullying because of that time in elementary school where they dressed like a girl (I was bullied a lot and it has affected me to this day); 3) that my own feelings are more complicated then I thought. When it's someone else, it's easier to be supportive, but hearing my child ask about changing their name hurts and I didn't think it would. Gender, clothes, pronouns, and the like are easier than hearing them want to be call
    via u/Unhappy_Tap1653
  • 06
    4) my husbands reaction has not been as supportive as I wished it was. He does think it's just a phase and says that if we keep "feeding into it" we are just spoiling our child and making them confused. I've said, on more than one occasion, that my biggest fear isn't that our child is transgender, but that we create an environment where they don't feel that love and support and instead feel like they should hurt themselves through drugs, alcohol, self-harm, etc. If you have words of advice, arti
    via u/Unhappy_Tap1653
  • 07
    Cartesianpoint . 6 days ago I think that even if it is "just a phase," kids deserve the space to explore their gender. Your husband's concern about "spoiling" your child doesn't make sense to me because I don't think a child's individuality should be treated like something that is permitted or not.
    via u/Cartesianpoint
  • 08
    I do see your concern about your child being bullied, and that might be something that your family will have to deal with at some point. But I think it's really important that your child know that you're on their side. This will probably be a formative experience for them regardless, and even if it is a "phase," how you react will likely have a lasting impact.
    via uCartesianpoint
  • 09
    I think it's understandable to feel hurt by your child wanting to use a different name. Something like that can have a lot of significance for parents. But it's normal for kids to sometimes explore their identities in ways that don't match the image their parents had in mind when they were born.
    via u/Cartesianpoint
  • 10
    traveling_gal · 6 days ago Parent here. r/cisparenttranskid is another great place to discuss this! What I always tell other parents when they bring up the "phase" thing is that 1. there's no way for you to know for sure at this point, and 2. it doesn't matter if it's a phase or not, because the answer is the same either way. Here's why.
    via u/traveling_gal
  • 11
    If it's a phase, the quickest way through it is to let it play out. Rejecting and invalidating what your kid is telling you will just make them dig in their heels, and lead to arguments that may damage your relationship with them even after the phase has passed. If you support and affim the phase, they can work through and explore as much as they need to. Once they're done, you can all go back to the way things were, and your child will have learned that they can trust you with hard things. You
    via u/traveling_gal
  • 12
    If it's not a phase, rejecting their stated identity is the same as rejecting them. I cannot overstate the danger in that. This can be extremely damaging to their self esteem and to your relationship with them. If your kid is trans, you can't make them cis. But you can help ease their way by affirming them, and by standing up for them until they can do so themselves.
    via u/traveling_gal
  • 13
    Trans kids with supportive parents do very well, with mental health outcomes similar to their cisgender peers. Trans kids with unsupportive parents have a attempt rate of over 40%, and high risk of other mental health problems like I and anxiety. What parent would ever want to risk that, especially when the risk of supporting a phase is near zero?
    via u/
  • 14
    As far as your extended family is concerned, I've found that other adults tend to follow my lead. For the people I was tasked with telling about my daughter, I came up with a script that I could deliver confidently and in an upbeat manner: "My younger child is transitioning. Her name is X. She's doing very well" and finish with a current (not trans relared) activity. If there was any push back about "phases" or whatever, I would say "this is what's best for my family right now". Mind you, I very
    via u/traveling_gal
  • 15
    sounded. It was very much a "fake it til you make it" situation. But this little speech shut down a lot of meddling long enough for me to finish the conversation and exit before collapsing on my fainting couch. It's not easy, but it gets easier over time. Getting your husband on board will be a huge help as well so you can present a united front.
    via u/traveling_gal
  • 16
    redhairedtyrant 6 days ago PFLAG.ORG has resources and support groups for families with queer kids
    via u/traveling_gal
  • 17
    • LTG-Jon 6 days ago edited 6 days ago If your kid asks for pie for breakfast every day, you risk spoiling them. If your kid asks to be allowed to chop. firewood, letting them do something so difficult isn't really spoiling them. Tell your husband that your kid is asking to do something hard, which must mean it's important to them. Giving them your support will ensure they know they are loved. And it helps ensure they will keep sharing their thoughts and feelings with you. Discouraging them will
    via u/LTG-Jon
  • 18
    I have a close family friend whose kid was AMAB. At age 3, that kid insisted on wearing only dresses and would only answer to a female name. Their parents were supportive and loving. It wasn't always easy, but the parents ensured the kid got supportive medical care and therapy. Early in high school, the kid decided to go off puberty blockers to see what their maturing body would be like; the kid de-transitioned two years later. But he is happy, knows that his parents are with him through thick a
    via u/LTG-Jon
  • 19
    . officetemp 6 days ago so what if it's just a phase, ya know? from ages 4-8 i came up with a new nickname every 6 months and refused to answer unless my ENTIRE family called me that. someone once quoted a parent on here that said, "a name is a gift you're given as an infant, and just like any other gift, you can return it if it doesn't suit you."
    via u/officetemp
  • 20
    if you're concerned about bullying, why don't you just ask your child how they feel about presenting these changes at school? or come up with a catch all phrase your child could practice and say to anyone making fun of their appearance? (maybe something other than 'i am rubber, you are glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you', but you get the gist). make your home the most genderqueer accepting environment, and that will give them confidence to stand up to bullies.
    via u/officetemp
  • 21
    Toys_before_boys 6 days ago Reaching out to the community asking for support and suggestions to support your kid and also acknowledging your own mixture of emotions, you're off to a great start already. Kids just want to know they're loved. It's also normal for kids to explore gender-y things and identity things even if your kid will end up 100% identifying as cisgender and heterosexual.
    via u/Toys_before_boys
  • 22
    huskofapuppet 6 days ago As a trans kid, support is really all we could ever ask for. Even if it's only from one person. One supportive person reduces the risk by a long shot. of
    via u/huskofapuppet
  • 23
    foxenj 6 days ago I knew I was genderqueer as early as like 3 or 4 years old but I didn't have the language for it because I grew up in a homeschooling, evangelical household. I'm now almost 30 and still genderqueer. Find a queer affirming therapist for you, your husband, and your kid to navigate and be as supportive as possible. Show your husband the studies done on supporting trans youth and it's link to preventing
    via u/foxenj
  • 24
    LadyJade8 6 days ago There are groups for parents of trans kids, and I'd suggest finding one and having that support and informative assistance. When it comes to family, you must stand your ground. You may lose family, but who is more important? Your child's mental well-being or someone else's feelings?
    via u/LadyJade8
  • 25
    Speaking as a person repressed for 30+ years, please make your child's support a priority. Treating this as a phase will only make them fear to be open and themselves in the long run, and I hope you can make your husband understand this as well. Edit: Here's a vital read for both parents. https://genderdysphoria.fyi/
    via u/LadyJade8
  • 26
    AspieEgg 6 days ago 1. I think this is where you need to stand up and be your child's biggest advocate. This is your opportunity to show your support and show your kid that you have her side even when it is difficult. No child is too young to have a personal identity. It is possible that they will decide later that they don't want to identify the way they are right now, but if you support them now, even against your family and in- laws, they will trust you even more.
    via u/AspieEgg
  • 27
    2. Whether or not it is a phase really shouldn't be a concern. Exploring our gender identity should be considered a normal part of growing up. Bullying is a concern, but a separate one. Kids may use her gender identity to pick on her, but they will also pick on her for other reasons too. Bullying should not be tolerated at all, but it's also not a reason to prevent someone from being themselves. Maybe consider finding a LGBT+ therapist for her to see.
    via u/AspieEgg
  • 28
    3. I would ask yourself this question. Would you care if your child chose a nickname that fit their assigned at birth? I think the answer to that question will tell you if you are dealing with resistance to her being transgender or just resistance to change.
    via u/AspieEgg
  • 29
    4. Your husband needs to get on board with supporting your child through this. The language you said he used is not OK. I suspect he is dealing with learned transphobia from his family (you mentioned the in-laws were reinforcing gender stereotypes). I hate to have to say it, but the incidence of among transgender youth is VERY high in families who are not supportive of the child's transition. If your husband is not supportive of your child, this may end up to be a literal life or situation. Supp
    via u/AspieEgg
  • 30
    Dust_Kindly 6 days ago If your worries or your husband's reaction start to impact your ability to parent or be present for each other as a couple, it may be time to consider whether a couple sessions of "family therapy" would be helpful. Could be beneficial to have a neutral space for you and husband to process your fears and feelings. Family therapy in quotes because this would probably be just you and your husband (at least to start out), but I hazard to call it couples therapy. But please for
    via u/Dust_Kindly

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wholesome lgbtq family drama adorable heartwarming puzzle pronouns mother modern internet advice family mom children phase kids transgender
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